Wednesday, May 16, 2007

The Ultimate Confrontation

WARNING: This post might be disturbing to some. So advance with care and stop if you can’t stand it. To tell you the truth, I am somewhat sicken by this post. But I felt that I had to do it… to get it out of my system and also as a reminder to self.

How do you view confrontation? Do you shrink from it at all cost? Does the mere mention of it cause you to cringe? Or on the contrary you feel that it’s an absolutely necessary endeavor to bring about change, realization and acceptance?

As most of you already know… I had been in a rather depressing mood of late. Thus, I am hereby confessing on what’s irking me, slowly eating up my patience and threatening my very own sanity.

Has been feeling hopeless, worthless and on the brink of suffocation again… intensively so since the last few months back. Yes. This is not the first time I felt this way. Just that this time around, it has simply magnified out of proportion. Even so, I kept my suffering to myself and tried to drown it with other distractions – which aren’t working that well. Except music has been a constant soothing presence though only a temporary reprieve.

Achilles Heel

I for one am a coward when it comes to confrontations. It’s my main weakness, my Achilles heels as some might put it. Maybe I am just too soft in nature and lack assertiveness. In general, I am such a person who’s incapable of displaying much aggression – even when provoked. Worst of all, I get tongue-tied and at times started stammering during arguments especially when I am feeling really pissed off. Sigh… like the Chinese sayings, “Mo yuk yi” (meaning: there’s just no amount of medicine can cure me). It’s almost like a deadly disease in me that wouldn’t budge no matter what. I think it’s hardwired into my subconscious mind.

Sometimes do I wonder if this trait of mine could be the residual effects of my own parent’s fallout which made me shy away from any form of confrontations? Whenever there’s one staring up at my face I’d just go silent or monosyllabic and sometimes spaced out too. Almost like a stage fright syndrome. My husband always complained that he felt like he’s talking to the wall every time we had a disagreement. I would just ‘froze’ and look at him like a dumb-dumb.

Of Trial and Tribulation

Little that I know that all this dodging could have caused me so much pain and heartaches. I thought I could just continue to ignore my own heart and mind’s calling by suppressing my own desires… willing it away, thinking that everything will eventually fall into its places soon… one fine day perhaps. Thus, patiently I have waited and waited for 10 freaking long years condemning myself to a depressing reclusive lifestyle.

I was the ever obedient wife, a ‘Yes Woman’ to my assertive and possessive husband. I know that it was partly my own doing that cultivated this unnatural and suffocating relationship with my inability to protect and preserve my very own dignity and pride. I just never know how to say, ‘No’ when it comes to him. It wasn’t helping that he is a very domineering and distrustful person to begin with. Hence, often times I cowed in his presence – always thinking twice before saying things, fervently trying to follow his every mood and wants. Then again, please don’t get me wrong, for he is a good husband in many other ways. I am grateful for his attentiveness and respect towards my family members, for his ever protectiveness over me and my son, for the sacrifices he made for us and for putting me and my son’s best interest first.

Throughout these 10 years we had not once fought and not make up quickly after it. In fact, he would not hesitate to initiate the make up on the very same day… this is how much he loved and cherished me. Maybe it’s because of all these good qualities I cherished in him and his leading demeanor compelled me to bow to his every whims and fancy. He is a very persuasive person and I am just the complete opposite of him. The balance is just not there and both of us failed to acknowledge it. Or I had chose ignorance as an excuse for my cowardice.

All in all, I didn’t have the heart to cheat my dearest only son out of a father figure. I love him very very much and he deserves the best I could give him. I am ready to sacrifice my very own soul and happiness just for him. I guess he’s the main reason I had stayed on in this staled marriage of mine. I had to be responsible for him, hence responsible for every action and decision I chose. He is innocent afterall and none ever is his fault. If anyone should be blamed, it’s us parents. For him, I played the part of an ever docile wife though my own heart is drowning internally.

Turn of Events – Letting Loose the Cat

12th May 2007, Saturday night

Finally, the dam broke last Saturday night. We had a row concerning my son. I was at fault this time and I had owned it up. Berated me he had, with much gusto too. However, he had decided to press further and stepped on unstable ground which shook my already fragile state of mind and crumbling resolve to keep mum on my long withheld discontentment, in my pathetic bid to avoid the inevitable outcome of an imminent confrontation. It was then, the already over spilling and unstable dam broke… as I pour out all my anguish and resentments I had garnered and guarded all these years beyond caring the consequences and price I had to pay later. I might as well let it all out. Damn. It felt good though I am feeling apprehensive too.

I struggled with words to make him understand my plight and resentments. That I felt suffocated by his overbearing character, my lack of freedom and independence, lost of dignity and pride and most importantly I mourn the lost of my sense of self. The pain of wearing that everything-is-ok mask each and everyday. I am tired and I am fed-up with all this fa├žade. In a way, I am but only lying to him and even to myself… that everything is just fine and dandy. I admitted to him the fact that I know he’s not to be blamed entirely; it was as much my own fault as well as his, for I had failed to express my own desires and to contest for it due to my own weaknesses. Due to my Achilles heel.

To tell you the truth, I was pretty surprised and yet relieved that he had managed to remain somewhat calm and collected throughout our dialogue. It wasn’t heated but it was intense. He has his share of discontentment outpour and as usual he debated every statement I made easily. I felt like a fool and a silly girl yet again. As I all that I had said was dismissed as being childish and selfish. Gawd, what I am I supposed to say to make him see the picture. He kept misunderstanding my problems. He said he can’t believe I’d do this to him, that I could be this cruel after all the efforts he put in to make me happy. To ensure my happiness comes first before anything else.

With things going nowhere, with both of us being frustrated and hurt. He declared that he is disappointed in me and proposed for a divorce to get it all over with. My heart was overjoyed and yet confused and unsure if this is for the best. On one part, the idea of being able to release myself from this emotional bondage and to breathe free again was very very tantalizing. Yet, on another part, I am not sure of how it would affect my beloved child, of whether this is exactly the ending I sought for and dreamt of. I really couldn’t describe on how my emotion rage that moment. So many things to consider, so many things would change so many uncertainties and so on. I couldn’t just give a straight off answer just like that… this is how serious I am towards this relationship, towards my commitment and responsibility for the family. Yet he pressed on for the ultimate answer of which I couldn’t bring myself to say it.

Anyhow, at least I believe I had somewhat gotten some of my messages through… that I no longer love him as I do, that I despises his very presence, that I hated him and that I am feeling suffocated by all his restrictions. My soul is so wrecked that I felt there’s just two options left for me to end this pain once and for all… a divorce or …… saying goodbye to the world (something I couldn’t even bring myself to say it loud). Yeah, I told him of these ugly images too which had been playing itself endlessly and silently in my head. I know the later option is stupid and selfish, but I just can’t help myself no matter how I had tried to be optimistic. That horrible notion just wouldn’t let me go. I hated it. I hated myself. Hated how helpless and weak I felt. I don’t even know who I really am these days. Just an empty shell drifting aimlessly towards time. Each and every freaking time I tried to stand up and be strong again he’d just push me back down again. It’s like he’s so bend on seeing me broken. Maybe I am just insane for thinking so – for I can’t fully trust my own distressed and disturbed mind now.

I had even surprised myself this time, for I had not cried or really felt like crying this time around unlike previous episodes. Is it a sign that my heart is already dead anyway. So numb and indifferent it is. Given up.

So on we talk from 12am till 3am plus in the morning. Till I had shown my fatigue and unwillingness to carry on on yet another bound of aimless discussions. So quietly we left each other alone to retire though restlessly. I had a hard time falling asleep. So much to think. Yet my mind’s quite blank and incapable of it.

Coming to Terms?

13th May 2007, Sunday

Today’s the special day for all mothers out there. I don’t feel like celebrating. Still confused and shrouded with anxiety and uncertainties. He didn’t acknowledge me in the morning and left me pretty much alone and then left for work himself. I was elated he was gone. At least now I would have the time to ponder about last night. In the end, I left the house with my son in tow for my mom’s house across the street, finding myself unable to stay in the house. Maybe I sorely needed company today. Even though I knew I wouldn’t in a million years seek my family’s solace. It’s my own shit afterall. And it’s already in a mess I don’t really need more people to mess it up more for me. So, I decided to act normal, as normal as I could.

Deep down inside I crave for company. Someone I could pour out my heart with. Someone not judgmental. Someone who’ll not take sides. I had sorely tempted to call my buddy, Gina but didn’t succumb to it in the end. I don’t exactly know why. I just don’t have to heart to trouble her and put my burden on her. I knew she would side me no matter what, but that’s not what I wanted. So I chose to be alone with my family members surrounding me, but very much alone and kept to myself.

In the evening I went along with my family for a Mother’s Day celebration at a nearby restaurant. That’s when my grandma and mother started questioning my husband’s absence. And I told them the truth… I had a row with him last night. Full stop. No further questions entertained. Not inclined to disclose it anyway. I am sorry to have left them hanging and worrying over me, but I don’t need further headache at the moment.

Later at night, my husband approached me again. He actually apologizes to me, but for all the wrong reasons *roll eyes*. He still didn’t get me. Or has he chosen to feign ignorance? He then promptly proposes we retry again. Give it another go. If not for him then for our son. I was apprehensive and too unsure. I dallied and he brought up the possible scenarios of a divorce could cause and he stated clearly to me his intention to do whatever in his power to gain our son’s custody. Then he reasoned that it’s karma that brought us together and nobody could outrun karma. He cited, even if I should leave this family, there’s no promise that all these existing karma would not repeat itself again in my new life. I had to agree with him on this part about no one could avoid karma as it takes its course.

I told him clearly that I was apprehensive if it would work this time around. I really don’t have the will to take another 10 more years of the same agony. Yet, I felt I owe it to my little boy and for my husband’s sheer determination to try again though I had fears in my heart.

Then I relented.

I told him that this time I shall be different; I shall strive hard to fight for what I want and shall steel myself courageously in the face of confrontations (it’s a resolution I made for myself too). I made him understand that this is a crucial change I sorely needed in order to make it work and to avoid history from repeating yet again. I shall strive hard not to keep things bottled up like I used to.

It’s my final fight, my final straw. Hope he will realize it and make the extra efforts to change for the better too.

Starting Anew

14th May 2007, Monday

He came to me in the morning before with went out to work, telling me he realizes his failure in providing for me and our son financially and for not taking us as frequently as he should for family together time. He then proceeded to declare that he would woo me all over again and makes me fall in love with him again and that he did not blame or hate me for falling out of love with him.

When I heard the first statement, I was disappointed though I am happy with the second statement, as he had clearly shown that he had still not understood what I need, what I want. And yet I already told him on the first night of our row - What I wanted is really very simple. I just wanted respect, trust, dignity, my privacy, my pride and to regain my sense of self. Just for him to respect my individuality. That’s all. That’s all I ever asked for from the very beginning of our relationship. And it’s never, NEVER about money.

Am I that hard to please? Am I asking for the impossible? Am I truly asking too much?

Alright, as I had only last night promised myself to voice out my opinion over matters I disagree and not shrink from it in the future… I once again, explained my expectation and needs as openly as I could. Keeping my fingers crossed that it hit home this round, or I shall have to do it repetitively no matter many times. Geezz, am I that difficult to understand?

Do pray hard for me people that things will get better and he would come to his senses and start to understand what it is all about.

About this post:
I am pretty apprehensive about posting this but I knew I had to do it to get it out from my system. Had to write it down as a firm reminder to self.

Sorry about the length of it though. It’s lengthy but I still feel I have yet to be able to get it all down. I did an auto count with MS Words and I have written a total of 3,447 words on this post. This is definitely my longest post. Hope there aren’t too many typos or grammar mistakes in it. It’s bound to have quite a number of it, I know. Please pardon me.

I hope I didn’t scare any of you off with this angst-ridden post of mine or bored you all to death. I also hope that this post did not unintentionally offend anyone. If it did, please accept my apologies.

Current Outlook:
Shall keep my heart and mind open towards the promised changes. Shall work on building up my courage from now onwards. I know that it is going to be another long and hard journey… but I shall make it worth my while this round. Like they say, it’s now or never.

Question to all:

So what’s your view on the importance of confrontation? How would you react if you are met with one?

Inspirational Quotes

Some quotes I found which I am now drawing my strengths from and learning from it. Just to share it here with all.

The important thing is to take that first step. Bravely overcoming one small fear gives you the courage to take on the next.”

It takes courage to become happy – courage to remain true to one’s conviction, courage not to be defeated by one’s weaknesses and negativity, courage to take swift action to help those who are suffering.”

If you summon your courage to challenge something, you’ll never be left with regret. How sad it is to spend your life wishing, “If only I’d had a little more courage.” Whatever the outcome may be, the important thing is to step forward on the path that you believe is right.”

Ideal love is fostered only between two sincere, mature and independent people. It is the inner struggle to polish these attributes that is the key. …Real love is not two people clinging to each other, it can only be fostered between two strong people secure in their individuality.”

If you are neglecting things you should be doing, forgetting your purpose in life because of the relationship you’re in, then you’re on the wrong path. A healthy relationship is one in which two people encourage each other to reach their respective goals while sharing each other’s hopes and dreams. A relationship should be a source of inspiration, invigoration and hope.”

Anyone can hit a wall. The anguish felt then is proof of one’s desire to move forward. But all is for naught if you falter at that moment. Action-that is the key to breaking through an impasse.”

Why doesn’t constant trampling defeat the dandelion? The key to its strength is its long and sturdy root, which extends deep into the earth. The same principle applies to people. The true victors in life are those who, enduring repeated challenges and setbacks, have sent the roots of their being to such a depth that nothing can shake them.”

No one can better bask in summer’s balm than those who have endured winter’s bite. Similarly, it is those who have suffered through life’s darkest hours who are able to truly savor the bright dawn of happiness. The person who has transformed the worst of fate into the best of fortune is life’s champion.”

There is a saying that the earth upon which we fall is the same ground which enables us to push ourselves up again. There’s another which maintains that barley grows better after it has been trampled on. Human relationships are sometimes painful, but there is no such pain from which we cannot recover. It is up to us to decide to live a life free from self-doubt and despair in spite of our failures. Indeed, it is during our most humbling moments that we should show greatest poise and grace. Then the dignity of our lives will truly shine.”

Genuine happiness is found in courage. Courage is the gateway to happiness.”

Note: The above are quoted by Daisaku Ikeda and it can be found at Ikeda Quotes.

Friday, May 04, 2007

Declaration of Love and Musical Enraptures

Hyundai Digital Audio Player Model No. HY-407

At last! I am once again enveloped in pure musical bliss. Just acquired a digital media player or some prefer calling it MP3 player. Didn’t get a chance to post about it online due to those cumbersome mood swings of mine. I guess I gotten it to appease my recent mood lowdown. Bought it with my hard earned bonus though *grinning eye-to-eye*.

Nostalgic Reminiscing of My Heydays Musical Enraptures
Having it brought back many fond nostalgic memories of mine during college days whereby I couldn’t go a step without my trusty walkman by my side. If I recall correctly, it’s an Aiwa Walkman. Though it’s not something high-end but, it’s serviceable and I enjoyed it tremendously plus it's comforting to have it by my side constantly.

I could still remember commuting to and flow the college by means of sardine-packed public buses. Mind you, it wasn’t always pleasant traveling around like this especially when there are almost constant unpleasant encounters with some perverted commuters along the ride. Ok, that’s that and let’s not detour from my original story here. What had I actually wanted to say here is that, that trusty walkman of mine has accompanied me through all the possible unpleasantness and sometimes boring ride throughout town… usually stuck motionless in a
traffic jam no less, with the air stifling thick and dusty with the fumes of exhaust emissions with mixtures of body odors and sweats thrown in occasionally. Yuck! Hence I am so very glad and appreciative of having my cassette walkman with me at times especially moments like this to disperse any possible discomfort or boredom. Just depress the ‘Play’ button and shut off all things else – wrapped up in musical bliss and off into a world of my own. Pure bliss.

On with the Current New Love of My Love
Okay. Back to current topic about my newly acquired digital media player. As you can see from the somewhat low quality picture (sorry bout that,
you will have to excuse me on this as I don’t have a proper digital camera. This was taken using my mini video camera which also comes with picture taking capability however pathetic the end result is) it is a Hyundai Digital Audio Player Model No. HY-407 (Encoding MP3/MWA/FM). Yes, it also comes with radio reception capability but, I must say I am quite disappointed as to its poor signal reception. Thus, rendering this otherwise could have been another entertaining features useless and redundant much to my chagrin.

What I love best about this slim packed player is that the fil
e transferability is an absolute ease as it employs the usage of USB connectivity within reasonable file transfer speed. Hence, effectively minus the need to install any software into your PC unlike most of the other digital media players which is almost a prerequisite to install some sort of software before we could fully utilize and enjoy the product. Without this limitation and cumbersome requirement, I am free to just Plug & Play this clever device of mine into any PC I want with much ease – just the way I like it... no commitment or strings attached. LOL. This is one of the reasons why I choose this model besides its affordable price tag which conforms with my current dictating budget. Oh yeah, it can also serve as an USB Thumbdrive (Flash Drive) too. Cool isn’t it. Plus, the recording capability wasn’t too bad either. Maybe… just maybe one day I would actually record a short clip of my voice for your active imagination of how Kleio would look like exactly while associating it with the voice clip ;P LOL.

I had originally wanted to scout for a Sony… one just like this pic on my right. Unfortunately, my allotted budget is just too miniscule to even dream of it. Sigh… Maybe, one fine day then, for now I am just as content with my current acquisition. Though I did wish it has a larger memory than 256MB. I would be utterly delighted if it’s a 1GB instead.

Wrapping Up the Gist
Nevertheless, I had enjoyed this device tremendously and it has never exactly left my side at all from the moment I bought it. I had it with me everyday - I am obsessed with it I guess. Hahaha. Anyhow, it does help to elevate my mood and even motivates me throughout my household chores. Wonderful right. Cause I hate to do household chores. I am not exactly what one would call a wife material? And I know I aren’t one. So what? The point is, I don’t freaking care.

Here’s a little someone I would like to introduce to all. This little fellow has smitten me with its cuteness and uniqueness.

This cute little thingamajig was a souvenir from a dear old friend of mine who has just come back from her Hanoi trip. Thanks Gina… nice choice of color too dear ;)

It’s so charming watching this little fellow perch on the tip my finger balancing with prefect precision. How quaint.

Dear all, please be my guest to visit Gina at her site, Absolut Ginger if you wished to read more about her escapade at Hanoi and ogle at her awesome photography skill (something myself and her hoarders of friends and fans always look forward to after each of her interesting trips).

Yeah, I am plugging her and shamelessly so, for she is one of the reason and the inspiration that motivates me to own a blog of my own. I am sure you would most definitely enjoy her too.