Wednesday, May 16, 2007

The Ultimate Confrontation

WARNING: This post might be disturbing to some. So advance with care and stop if you can’t stand it. To tell you the truth, I am somewhat sicken by this post. But I felt that I had to do it… to get it out of my system and also as a reminder to self.




How do you view confrontation? Do you shrink from it at all cost? Does the mere mention of it cause you to cringe? Or on the contrary you feel that it’s an absolutely necessary endeavor to bring about change, realization and acceptance?

As most of you already know… I had been in a rather depressing mood of late. Thus, I am hereby confessing on what’s irking me, slowly eating up my patience and threatening my very own sanity.

Has been feeling hopeless, worthless and on the brink of suffocation again… intensively so since the last few months back. Yes. This is not the first time I felt this way. Just that this time around, it has simply magnified out of proportion. Even so, I kept my suffering to myself and tried to drown it with other distractions – which aren’t working that well. Except music has been a constant soothing presence though only a temporary reprieve.



Achilles Heel

I for one am a coward when it comes to confrontations. It’s my main weakness, my Achilles heels as some might put it. Maybe I am just too soft in nature and lack assertiveness. In general, I am such a person who’s incapable of displaying much aggression – even when provoked. Worst of all, I get tongue-tied and at times started stammering during arguments especially when I am feeling really pissed off. Sigh… like the Chinese sayings, “Mo yuk yi” (meaning: there’s just no amount of medicine can cure me). It’s almost like a deadly disease in me that wouldn’t budge no matter what. I think it’s hardwired into my subconscious mind.

Sometimes do I wonder if this trait of mine could be the residual effects of my own parent’s fallout which made me shy away from any form of confrontations? Whenever there’s one staring up at my face I’d just go silent or monosyllabic and sometimes spaced out too. Almost like a stage fright syndrome. My husband always complained that he felt like he’s talking to the wall every time we had a disagreement. I would just ‘froze’ and look at him like a dumb-dumb.



Of Trial and Tribulation

Little that I know that all this dodging could have caused me so much pain and heartaches. I thought I could just continue to ignore my own heart and mind’s calling by suppressing my own desires… willing it away, thinking that everything will eventually fall into its places soon… one fine day perhaps. Thus, patiently I have waited and waited for 10 freaking long years condemning myself to a depressing reclusive lifestyle.

I was the ever obedient wife, a ‘Yes Woman’ to my assertive and possessive husband. I know that it was partly my own doing that cultivated this unnatural and suffocating relationship with my inability to protect and preserve my very own dignity and pride. I just never know how to say, ‘No’ when it comes to him. It wasn’t helping that he is a very domineering and distrustful person to begin with. Hence, often times I cowed in his presence – always thinking twice before saying things, fervently trying to follow his every mood and wants. Then again, please don’t get me wrong, for he is a good husband in many other ways. I am grateful for his attentiveness and respect towards my family members, for his ever protectiveness over me and my son, for the sacrifices he made for us and for putting me and my son’s best interest first.

Throughout these 10 years we had not once fought and not make up quickly after it. In fact, he would not hesitate to initiate the make up on the very same day… this is how much he loved and cherished me. Maybe it’s because of all these good qualities I cherished in him and his leading demeanor compelled me to bow to his every whims and fancy. He is a very persuasive person and I am just the complete opposite of him. The balance is just not there and both of us failed to acknowledge it. Or I had chose ignorance as an excuse for my cowardice.


All in all, I didn’t have the heart to cheat my dearest only son out of a father figure. I love him very very much and he deserves the best I could give him. I am ready to sacrifice my very own soul and happiness just for him. I guess he’s the main reason I had stayed on in this staled marriage of mine. I had to be responsible for him, hence responsible for every action and decision I chose. He is innocent afterall and none ever is his fault. If anyone should be blamed, it’s us parents. For him, I played the part of an ever docile wife though my own heart is drowning internally.



Turn of Events – Letting Loose the Cat

12th May 2007, Saturday night


Finally, the dam broke last Saturday night. We had a row concerning my son. I was at fault this time and I had owned it up. Berated me he had, with much gusto too. However, he had decided to press further and stepped on unstable ground which shook my already fragile state of mind and crumbling resolve to keep mum on my long withheld discontentment, in my pathetic bid to avoid the inevitable outcome of an imminent confrontation. It was then, the already over spilling and unstable dam broke… as I pour out all my anguish and resentments I had garnered and guarded all these years beyond caring the consequences and price I had to pay later. I might as well let it all out. Damn. It felt good though I am feeling apprehensive too.


I struggled with words to make him understand my plight and resentments. That I felt suffocated by his overbearing character, my lack of freedom and independence, lost of dignity and pride and most importantly I mourn the lost of my sense of self. The pain of wearing that everything-is-ok mask each and everyday. I am tired and I am fed-up with all this façade. In a way, I am but only lying to him and even to myself… that everything is just fine and dandy. I admitted to him the fact that I know he’s not to be blamed entirely; it was as much my own fault as well as his, for I had failed to express my own desires and to contest for it due to my own weaknesses. Due to my Achilles heel.

To tell you the truth, I was pretty surprised and yet relieved that he had managed to remain somewhat calm and collected throughout our dialogue. It wasn’t heated but it was intense. He has his share of discontentment outpour and as usual he debated every statement I made easily. I felt like a fool and a silly girl yet again. As I all that I had said was dismissed as being childish and selfish. Gawd, what I am I supposed to say to make him see the picture. He kept misunderstanding my problems. He said he can’t believe I’d do this to him, that I could be this cruel after all the efforts he put in to make me happy. To ensure my happiness comes first before anything else.


With things going nowhere, with both of us being frustrated and hurt. He declared that he is disappointed in me and proposed for a divorce to get it all over with. My heart was overjoyed and yet confused and unsure if this is for the best. On one part, the idea of being able to release myself from this emotional bondage and to breathe free again was very very tantalizing. Yet, on another part, I am not sure of how it would affect my beloved child, of whether this is exactly the ending I sought for and dreamt of. I really couldn’t describe on how my emotion rage that moment. So many things to consider, so many things would change so many uncertainties and so on. I couldn’t just give a straight off answer just like that… this is how serious I am towards this relationship, towards my commitment and responsibility for the family. Yet he pressed on for the ultimate answer of which I couldn’t bring myself to say it.


Anyhow, at least I believe I had somewhat gotten some of my messages through… that I no longer love him as I do, that I despises his very presence, that I hated him and that I am feeling suffocated by all his restrictions. My soul is so wrecked that I felt there’s just two options left for me to end this pain once and for all… a divorce or …… saying goodbye to the world (something I couldn’t even bring myself to say it loud). Yeah, I told him of these ugly images too which had been playing itself endlessly and silently in my head. I know the later option is stupid and selfish, but I just can’t help myself no matter how I had tried to be optimistic. That horrible notion just wouldn’t let me go. I hated it. I hated myself. Hated how helpless and weak I felt. I don’t even know who I really am these days. Just an empty shell drifting aimlessly towards time. Each and every freaking time I tried to stand up and be strong again he’d just push me back down again. It’s like he’s so bend on seeing me broken. Maybe I am just insane for thinking so – for I can’t fully trust my own distressed and disturbed mind now.

I had even surprised myself this time, for I had not cried or really felt like crying this time around unlike previous episodes. Is it a sign that my heart is already dead anyway. So numb and indifferent it is. Given up.

So on we talk from 12am till 3am plus in the morning. Till I had shown my fatigue and unwillingness to carry on on yet another bound of aimless discussions. So quietly we left each other alone to retire though restlessly. I had a hard time falling asleep. So much to think. Yet my mind’s quite blank and incapable of it.



Coming to Terms?

13th May 2007, Sunday

Today’s the special day for all mothers out there. I don’t feel like celebrating. Still confused and shrouded with anxiety and uncertainties. He didn’t acknowledge me in the morning and left me pretty much alone and then left for work himself. I was elated he was gone. At least now I would have the time to ponder about last night. In the end, I left the house with my son in tow for my mom’s house across the street, finding myself unable to stay in the house. Maybe I sorely needed company today. Even though I knew I wouldn’t in a million years seek my family’s solace. It’s my own shit afterall. And it’s already in a mess I don’t really need more people to mess it up more for me. So, I decided to act normal, as normal as I could.

Deep down inside I crave for company. Someone I could pour out my heart with. Someone not judgmental. Someone who’ll not take sides. I had sorely tempted to call my buddy, Gina but didn’t succumb to it in the end. I don’t exactly know why. I just don’t have to heart to trouble her and put my burden on her. I knew she would side me no matter what, but that’s not what I wanted. So I chose to be alone with my family members surrounding me, but very much alone and kept to myself.


In the evening I went along with my family for a Mother’s Day celebration at a nearby restaurant. That’s when my grandma and mother started questioning my husband’s absence. And I told them the truth… I had a row with him last night. Full stop. No further questions entertained. Not inclined to disclose it anyway. I am sorry to have left them hanging and worrying over me, but I don’t need further headache at the moment.


Later at night, my husband approached me again. He actually apologizes to me, but for all the wrong reasons *roll eyes*. He still didn’t get me. Or has he chosen to feign ignorance? He then promptly proposes we retry again. Give it another go. If not for him then for our son. I was apprehensive and too unsure. I dallied and he brought up the possible scenarios of a divorce could cause and he stated clearly to me his intention to do whatever in his power to gain our son’s custody. Then he reasoned that it’s karma that brought us together and nobody could outrun karma. He cited, even if I should leave this family, there’s no promise that all these existing karma would not repeat itself again in my new life. I had to agree with him on this part about no one could avoid karma as it takes its course.

I told him clearly that I was apprehensive if it would work this time around. I really don’t have the will to take another 10 more years of the same agony. Yet, I felt I owe it to my little boy and for my husband’s sheer determination to try again though I had fears in my heart.

Then I relented.

I told him that this time I shall be different; I shall strive hard to fight for what I want and shall steel myself courageously in the face of confrontations (it’s a resolution I made for myself too). I made him understand that this is a crucial change I sorely needed in order to make it work and to avoid history from repeating yet again. I shall strive hard not to keep things bottled up like I used to.

It’s my final fight, my final straw. Hope he will realize it and make the extra efforts to change for the better too.



Starting Anew

14th May 2007, Monday


He came to me in the morning before with went out to work, telling me he realizes his failure in providing for me and our son financially and for not taking us as frequently as he should for family together time. He then proceeded to declare that he would woo me all over again and makes me fall in love with him again and that he did not blame or hate me for falling out of love with him.


When I heard the first statement, I was disappointed though I am happy with the second statement, as he had clearly shown that he had still not understood what I need, what I want. And yet I already told him on the first night of our row - What I wanted is really very simple. I just wanted respect, trust, dignity, my privacy, my pride and to regain my sense of self. Just for him to respect my individuality. That’s all. That’s all I ever asked for from the very beginning of our relationship. And it’s never, NEVER about money.


Am I that hard to please? Am I asking for the impossible? Am I truly asking too much?


Alright, as I had only last night promised myself to voice out my opinion over matters I disagree and not shrink from it in the future… I once again, explained my expectation and needs as openly as I could. Keeping my fingers crossed that it hit home this round, or I shall have to do it repetitively no matter many times. Geezz, am I that difficult to understand?


Do pray hard for me people that things will get better and he would come to his senses and start to understand what it is all about.




About this post:
I am pretty apprehensive about posting this but I knew I had to do it to get it out from my system. Had to write it down as a firm reminder to self.

Sorry about the length of it though. It’s lengthy but I still feel I have yet to be able to get it all down. I did an auto count with MS Words and I have written a total of 3,447 words on this post. This is definitely my longest post. Hope there aren’t too many typos or grammar mistakes in it. It’s bound to have quite a number of it, I know. Please pardon me.


I hope I didn’t scare any of you off with this angst-ridden post of mine or bored you all to death. I also hope that this post did not unintentionally offend anyone. If it did, please accept my apologies.


Current Outlook:
Shall keep my heart and mind open towards the promised changes. Shall work on building up my courage from now onwards. I know that it is going to be another long and hard journey… but I shall make it worth my while this round. Like they say, it’s now or never.

Question to all:

So what’s your view on the importance of confrontation? How would you react if you are met with one?





Inspirational Quotes

Some quotes I found which I am now drawing my strengths from and learning from it. Just to share it here with all.


The important thing is to take that first step. Bravely overcoming one small fear gives you the courage to take on the next.”


It takes courage to become happy – courage to remain true to one’s conviction, courage not to be defeated by one’s weaknesses and negativity, courage to take swift action to help those who are suffering.”


If you summon your courage to challenge something, you’ll never be left with regret. How sad it is to spend your life wishing, “If only I’d had a little more courage.” Whatever the outcome may be, the important thing is to step forward on the path that you believe is right.”


Ideal love is fostered only between two sincere, mature and independent people. It is the inner struggle to polish these attributes that is the key. …Real love is not two people clinging to each other, it can only be fostered between two strong people secure in their individuality.”


If you are neglecting things you should be doing, forgetting your purpose in life because of the relationship you’re in, then you’re on the wrong path. A healthy relationship is one in which two people encourage each other to reach their respective goals while sharing each other’s hopes and dreams. A relationship should be a source of inspiration, invigoration and hope.”


Anyone can hit a wall. The anguish felt then is proof of one’s desire to move forward. But all is for naught if you falter at that moment. Action-that is the key to breaking through an impasse.”


Why doesn’t constant trampling defeat the dandelion? The key to its strength is its long and sturdy root, which extends deep into the earth. The same principle applies to people. The true victors in life are those who, enduring repeated challenges and setbacks, have sent the roots of their being to such a depth that nothing can shake them.”


No one can better bask in summer’s balm than those who have endured winter’s bite. Similarly, it is those who have suffered through life’s darkest hours who are able to truly savor the bright dawn of happiness. The person who has transformed the worst of fate into the best of fortune is life’s champion.”


There is a saying that the earth upon which we fall is the same ground which enables us to push ourselves up again. There’s another which maintains that barley grows better after it has been trampled on. Human relationships are sometimes painful, but there is no such pain from which we cannot recover. It is up to us to decide to live a life free from self-doubt and despair in spite of our failures. Indeed, it is during our most humbling moments that we should show greatest poise and grace. Then the dignity of our lives will truly shine.”


Genuine happiness is found in courage. Courage is the gateway to happiness.”



Note: The above are quoted by Daisaku Ikeda and it can be found at Ikeda Quotes.



23 comments:

gina said...

It's high time that you come up with courage to fend off his over possessivenes. I had seen it coming, the moment you told me you are going steady with him - 10 years ago.

Like they said, Love is Blind. I maybe telling you all the rational things, but when love is involved, there is nothing stopping you.

I will always try to do my best - to listen and to lend a shoulder to cry on if need arises. Therefore, I hope you will not hesitate to confide in me. I am so sorry that I remain aloof to your sorrow.

I side you - because you are my best friend and I never want my best friend to get hurt in any event.

I miss the bubbly and charming old you back in school, who is ever mischevious and having your own point of view.

"When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny." - Paulo Coelho

I guess this couldn't be more apt to describe your situation.

I believe one should at least try to make a change, in order to make this life worth living.

I am here, if you need me.

Tine said...

I admit I'm quite lost for words when I reached the end of your post. Yet I applaud and admire you for the courage you possessed in sharing this with the world.

As I do not personally know you, it would be wrong for me to suggest you to throw in the towel, or to stay. But I do agree with your friend Gina, in that when compromising too much in a relationship which ultimately breaks who YOU are, then I'm afraid it's just not worth it.

As for the saying goodbye to the world bit, please do NOT even contemplate it. Speaking from experience, it would only hurt the ones who love you the most. It's the most foolish thing a person could do.

I'll keep you in my prayers, Kleio. In times like this, I wouldn't worry about anyone else (in the matter of offending anyone re. your post, etc etc) because I believe there's so much more going on in your mind right now. Take it one step at a time. With a clear head.

I wish you the best.

Kok said...

Kleio,
I just finished reading this post and I couldn't really give you any comment at this very moment. I need to re-read it again before giving you any opinions. I have a headache now and it's about 1:20a.m. already. I think I need to get onto my bed real soon. I think I'm just going to make a real long comment after I re-read it again. At the mean time, I'll just keep you in my prayers.

Law Tien Soon said...

wah really took a while to finish reading this post

As I always believe, there's nothing absolutely right or wrong, but variation of consequences and results. It's depending on the perspective where you're viewing.

As long as you understand the result of an action, and willing to accept it, that's fine. Something we perceive as correct, might be seen as wrong from another perspective, and vice versa. Just always be ready to face the results of an action taken will do.

stev said...

a very touching post

and men indeed are creatures which often find it difficult to understand others

myself, like the typical male giving advice, would suggest writing down your thoughts/view in a letter as opposed to confrontation, or to consider a communication/relationship course

with all that said, only thoughts are that you & your family stays safe. and that you follow your heart in these difficult times. our thoughts are with you.

Paris Beaverbanks said...

First of all, don't apologise for this post. This is your site to pour out your feelings. You did the right thing as writing can be therapeutic.

Secondly, Don't even think about doing away with yourself. You must be stronger than that.

Third - Go out with friends and keep your independence. You have said your piece and its time to put it into action. Go out, talk to friends, keep some "me" time so you don't feel burdened.

I don't profess to know you or your family personally so any advice is only that of a stranger. But I hope you stay strong. Karma is not fixed. Its not set in stone. Karma changes as events change. If this is your fork in the road, its time to choose and you make your own karma whatever you choose.

Stay strong Kleio and I'll keep you in my prayers.

Kok said...

kleio,
Here I come, to give comment to this post. :)

Before I proceed on, I just wanna tell you that all the comments are basically my personal opinion. You can ignore it if you think that's not the case.

First is about you as a "Yes Woman". To me, sometimes it is better to be a "Yes Woman" but not all the time. Men do sometimes need some opinions. It's not like men want anything, you just say, YES. That's not the case. In a marriage, both person can have their own opinion and it's best to voice it out instead of keeping it in heart. It'll just make things worst if you do it that way.

Argue and bring out the word "divorce" is really a wrong wrong. In this case, I would say your hubby might be wrong at first. There's of course some arguement/fight going on in one's marriage. This is what we can't deny. And probably, this is one of the thing which strengthen one's marriage. For me, I think arguement is just a test for the marriage.

There're 2 options for you in the arguement? Actually there're 3. Another one is to start all over again which your hubby has opted in the end. I know it's not easy to build up again a stale marriage but you have to think of the consequences if you file a divorce or end your life (which I totally object). File a divorce definitely will affect your child's life. From what I have seen, a broken family child normally has more problem compare to a complete family child. Like you said, the child is innocent. Why make him suffer? As for your "end-your-life" option, it is definitely a no no to me. If you really do so, I'll look down on you. Again, think of the consequences if you do so. You're just pushing all your problems to the other people. Maybe your mum or your child or any other people. Don't you think you're too cruel to them? Your mum will sad and cry everyday. Your child has to avoid those question like, "Why your mum kill herself?" I know you won't want this to happen to them and also yourself right?

Sometimes, when you need something, you just have to voice out. I don't know what's the wall in between you and your hubby and I think you, yourself, know this. So, try to communicate with him. It isn't hard to communicate with someone whom you love (or perhaps in your case, ever love?). Communication is very important in a marriage or in anywhere we go. Like now, after you told us in your blog that, "What I wanted is really very simple. I just wanted respect, trust, dignity, my privacy, my pride and to regain my sense of self. Just for him to respect my individuality." Now we know. If you didn't tell us, forever, we won't know you just want that kind of life. Tell him, speak to him, acknowledge him. Let him understand you more and let you understand him more. I'm pretty sure this will only get better.

I think that's all for my comments. I know I'm just too young or maybe inexperience to tell you all this. But I hope my words will let you think more. I don't wish to see you have a wreck relationship. I don't wish to see you sad and grumpy. Life is short, really, enjoy it while you can.

Kleio, hope everything will turn out better for you. I believe your hubby will keep his promise to build up again the relationship. If you do need someone to talk to, I'll be available to do so. Just give me a yell. At the mean time, again, my prayer is with you. Stay strong, Kleio. :)

Kleio the Muse said...

Gina:
Love is blind yes, but only to a certain extend. I had to admit I had let my emotion overruled my reasons at that point of time. But, then again, I was very very young and still very naive and confused as to what I really wanted in my life when I first met him.

I really appreciate your undying support and understand especially for your shoulder to cry on during moments of my weakness. You are certaintly not aloof and uncaring, for you have been more than I could've asked for. I am so blessed to have a friend like you ;)

I miss my old bubbly and charming self too ;P

Nice quote. Very apt indeed. Thanks for sharing.

And change I shall... for the better I am sure. Thanks for always being there for me *Hugs and a friendly peck on the cheek*

Kleio the Muse said...

Tine:
I felt quite good after dishing it out too. But I have to admit I was quite jittery in the beginning as to whether I really want to bare it all for the world to see. Felt like being stripped naked for public viewing. Ha.

Thanks for the heartfelt comments and support. Please do not be too alarmed over the "Bye-bye World" bits... it's more like I am voicing my discontentment and trying to get it all out from my system. It’s quite like a figure of speech to describe my messed up state of mind. I don’t believe I’ll have the heart to really do it as I do know the consequences and the responsibilities I have for my loves ones and for myself. Every human life is precious and irreplaceable. Not amount of treasures in the whole universe could equal to the value of one human life.

Really thank you and appreciate your comments. I shall value every word said.

Kleio the Muse said...

Law Tien Soon:
Yeah. lol. I had lots and lots to clear from my system I am afraid :) Thanks for taking the time to read it and also for commenting.

To me, I believed in the ‘Cause and Effect’ theory. Whenever there’s an effect, there must be a cause. So whatever it is, one must always remember to look deep into ourselves and reevaluate our previous actions before we were to look for mistakes in another person. You are right that it depends upon the perspective of how one was to view and approach the said matter.

Many things would be very different indeed if we all could just sought to acknowledge our own weaknesses and try to understand ourselves better without prejudice at the same time challenges ourselves to change for the better… Human revolution is a very important part to bring about unshakeable happiness. For we must first change ourselves if we were to bring about changes in others.

I am still learning, at least now I’ve learned that… I have to be happy first before I could bring happiness and harmony to my loved ones. I’ve learned not to ignore my own desires and to stand up to my own convictions if I were to live without regrets.

Thank you for your insightful comments for I truly valued it.

Kleio the Muse said...

Stev:
Thanks Stev.

Yes but, I have also been the kind of females which made it hard for men to understand. LOL.

Thanks for your suggestions. In fact, we had agreed to have a face-to-face dialogue weekly or at least monthly to just sit-down and have a heart-to-heart kind of talk to rid our system of any potential discontentment to prevent any future repeats of volcanic eruptions due to all the resentments built-ups. We agreed that it would be a great avenue to get to know each other more and better. I’ll just have to build my own courage and confidence up along the way for this to work well. *chants mantra… “Be true to myself, Be true to myself, Be true to myself”*

Thanks for your well wishes and support. I shall strive to stick on to my resolution for a better future with your kind thoughts in mind.

Kleio the Muse said...

Paris Beaverbanks:
*Blush* I just couldn’t help myself for I felt like putting my own burden onto others at first. But now I am quite glad I did it. It’s as therapeutic as you said. My buddy encourages me to do it also.

I am sorry to have alarmed you on that paragraph, but as I have explained to Tine in my comment above, I wouldn’t have the heart to do actually do it. I am fully aware of the consequences and my very own responsibilities. I am touched by your concern tho.

I agree on you on that ‘me’ time. It’s what exactly I needed to make him understand the importance of it. He just needs to let me have a chance to miss him for a change, for god sake! LOL. I remembered there’s this one time long ago I had told his this very same sentence.

I am deeply grateful and touched by the efforts on your part to share such heartfelt comments and thoughts with me… even when we are only strangers to each other. This is priceless. This is humanity in its purest form.

Yes, Karma is definitely not a fixed thing. For it is in our hands to change poison into medicine should we have the right mindset and will to do it. In short, when there’s a will, there’s a way.

I had to agree, this is indeed the most important fork road in my life… one that would change my life in its entirety should I have the courage and conviction to make it happen. To take on this opportunity to travel the road less traveled.

Once again, thank you for your valuable and insightful comments and also for the prayers. I am so glad to have known you.

Kleio the Muse said...

Kok:
I shall reply your comments tomorrow. Short of time today. Thanks.

Kleio the Muse said...

Kok:
I am so touched by your sincerity and effort in offering me your support and views. I shall value every word said.

Yes, I have learn that arguments or confrontations are unavoidable in a marriage and it is actually necessary at times and it strengthens the marriage by deepening the couples understanding of each other… provided if both are willing to learn from it and to change themselves accordingly.

As for your points on the ‘Options’… Yeah, at that point of time, my mind’s a mess and I was very very depressed… feeling very trapped and suffocated. It’s a time whereby I have the weakest mind and will. Inevitably, a strong sense of hopelessness starts to shroud my whole being and cloud my ability to reason; hence I failed again and again to see the 3rd option as a viable way out. As I have said or mentioned earlier in my post, I am a coward (yes, I admit to that and had already vowed now to counter this weakness of mine… as mentioned in my post) and when a person’s in so much pain, his/her reflex is to seek to avoid further pain. Now I know that avoidance is a stupid thing to do. That I have learned. Communication should be a two way thing like what you’ve said – totally agree with you.

Thanks for your well wishes and encouragements – Life is indeed short, yes. We should really live everyday as if it was our last.

I shall stay strong with your support and encouragements in mind. Thank you for offering me your ears and for your prayers.

I wished I could elaborate more here but time does not permit.

Kok said...

Kleio,
I'm glad that you've understand most, if not some, of the stuff I mentioned. Again, if you need someone to talk with, I'm always here. It would be best if you nudge me through email; lawkw85@hotmail.com.

All the best, Kleio. :)

Che-Cheh said...

So sorry to hear that. I don't know what advice to give you. I hope things have improve since then.

My friend, live life to the fullest.

FireHorse said...

Kleio dearest, sorry I cudn't get here earlier to read dis. You are a very courageous woman, and a smart one too, dun let anyone convince you any differently. Sometimes being with the wrong person can snuff out the life in us and they have the ability to make us feel like the most worthless person on the face of this earth, our feelings are often belittle and slowly we learn to not trust ourselves, we start to question our wants. One thing that I can share with you, is that studies show that staying together in a toxic relationship does more harm to your child/children then going your own way/divorcing. I am not encouraging you one way or the other but if you think you are staying for the benefit of the child then you are mistaken because the child will suffer more seeing his parents in such an unloving environment. This is going a long and hard road for you to walk, if you are looking to repair the pot holes in this relationship, you have to start with communication. I usually suggest this to my couples, they have to be very specific when they communicate with each other. Don't make sweeping statements like "Why do you ALWAYS put me down" instead say something like "When you laugh at me in front of your friends, I feel like you are putting me down." If he says he is disappointed in you, clarify exact what izzit that you do that disaapoints him and vice versa. That way you have a concrete "behavior" to work on.
Also try writing down reasons what made you marry each other to begin with. I dunno how else to comfort you except, be here for you in dis cyberworld. I apologize for being like a "miss knoe-it-all" and leaving such a long comment. I do hope my suggestions help tho, hugz.

Kleio the Muse said...

Kok:
Thank you again for your kind gesture.

Kleio the Muse said...

Che-Cheh:
TQ for your concern. Things are pickup nicely already. It’s great but not sunny yet.

Kleio the Muse said...

Firehorse:
Kopi Soh, I am so happy you dropped by. Was kinda looking forward to seeing your views on this… considering we are both married with children too. I totally valued your insightful views in your comment. Somehow, I knew we would see eye to eye on this topic.

You are absolutely right on the possible harm to our child should we were to continue on a toxic relationship. I too had taken this into consideration before.

Communication is indeed the main ingredient to mend this battered relationship of mine. This is the one main thing I am currently focusing on improving myself with. I have to learn not to be afraid of voicing my own opinion and not to swallow them back in.

I am so touched by your sincerity in offering me your words of comfort and support. Equally touched by your effort to put in a long comment. I felt comforted already by just realizing how blessed I am to have a friend like you.

FireHorse said...

Came back to leave some (((Hugzzzz)) for you dear, take care. I hope you are doing okay in your quest to start making your voice heard.

Mikeymike said...

Muse, I'm so glad that you have so many great friends to give you advise. There isn't much I can add, except that to keep up with your resolve and that things will get better for you whatever happens if you stay true to yourself... :)

Hugs

Kleio the Muse said...

Firehorse:
*Hugs received with gratitude* Thanks dear. Really needed it. Things are looking up. Don’t worry ya.


Mikeymike:
Mikey you are so cute. Love the way you address me… as Muse. You are the only one that addresses me so. I like it :) It’s like your unique and friendly way of saying hello to me.

I am really really glad to have known them and you. Thank you for your heartfelt concern and encouragements *Hugs*

P/S: I am glad you’ve found your way here too ;)