Losing Sense of Self

Actually this was written yesterday night after one of my hubby’s usual bout of volcanic eruption. Sigh...

Even so, I still love him. And I know he loves me very much – in fact, sometimes I think he loves me too much, which is why I constantly found myself in this sort of dilemma.

Listening to a piece of beautiful piano music, "Canon in D" while typing this on my mobile phone right now. It's one of my most favorite piece of music. Very inspiring and relaxing.

There are a few things I have always wanted in my life. It was just simple things and yet it seems so unattainable - Impossible, in fact.

I was a free-spirited woman during my singleton days – it was all fun and happening. I get to do what I want, when I want, where I want. Things were much less complicated then until I choose to complicate it (how stupid!) – so, basically it was my own undoing – no blaming on others.

I now find myself being tied down not only physically but emotionally as well. Even the simplest act of expressing self was a luxury of the past.

What’s worst is that I actually thought I could repressed this feeling of losing my own identity by focusing solely on my family especially my beautiful little boy and start believing I might really find happiness and fulfillment in my life even without getting what I yearned for… This has proven to be very, very wrong indeed.

As I realized I have forgotten one simple fact… that I am only human.

P/S:
I have actually written quite a lot detailing on what I really secretly wished for but, I just don’t feel right posting it up here… at this moment.
You know… each and every time I re-read this post I feel an ache deep down my heart…