Friday, December 01, 2006

Losing Sense of Self

Actually this was written yesterday night after one of my hubby’s usual bout of volcanic eruption. Sigh...

Even so, I still love him. And I know he loves me very much – in fact, sometimes I think he loves me too much, which is why I constantly found myself in this sort of dilemma.

Listening to a piece of beautiful piano music, "Canon in D" while typing this on my mobile phone right now. It's one of my most favorite piece of music. Very inspiring and relaxing.

There are a few things I have always wanted in my life. It was just simple things and yet it seems so unattainable - Impossible, in fact.

I was a free-spirited woman during my singleton days – it was all fun and happening. I get to do what I want, when I want, where I want. Things were much less complicated then until I choose to complicate it (how stupid!) – so, basically it was my own undoing – no blaming on others.

I now find myself being tied down not only physically but emotionally as well. Even the simplest act of expressing self was a luxury of the past.

What’s worst is that I actually thought I could repressed this feeling of losing my own identity by focusing solely on my family especially my beautiful little boy and start believing I might really find happiness and fulfillment in my life even without getting what I yearned for… This has proven to be very, very wrong indeed.

As I realized I have forgotten one simple fact… that I am only human.

I have actually written quite a lot detailing on what I really secretly wished for but, I just don’t feel right posting it up here… at this moment.
You know… each and every time I re-read this post I feel an ache deep down my heart…


ky said...

I shed a tear reading this.

I still believe in, Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well. Make the most of everything you have, you will be a happier person.

Well, friend. I am here if you need me.

stev said...

hmm. yours is more like a sad day at the movies rather than a rant :P~

life is definitely diff when one is single & unattached. yet if we really think back, we would have had periods which were not so fun as well.

everything has its pros & cons. what matter more is balance. and probly what matters most of all is how one deals with it.

(note: not meaning to let things lie, but to echo the words above by ky that one should live to ones fullest in every sense no matter the situation.)

stev said...

hmm. i seemed to have missed the top part in quotes on the first read thru.

hope everything works out for the best =)

Kleio the Muse said...

ky ~~ Thanks for your support :) I am making the most out of everything I have :) - don't worry, i am one optimistic gal ;P

It's really nice to have a fren such as you :)

Stev ~~ Well said :) But, balance is what I lacked now - is what I've been striving to achieve till todate. It's the imbalance tat is causing all this unsatisfaction.

Anyhow, I will still continue to count my blessing on all those things that I have rather than dwell too much on what's not meant for me. I believe i would be happier this way - it's really a part of my way of life now :D