Snippet: A Sigh... of Relieve!

Just to update on yesterday's supposedly nerve-wrecking meeting on the Exhibition Guide thingy. Well, I am glad to say... it went quite well and I wasn't as lame as I thought I would be. Horray for that. Yes! Phew! I am glad I had somewhat breezed thru this untraumatized. I could now for the time being, breath, eat and sleep normal again. That's until the next meeting. Gosh!

Anyhow, I am quite pleased that I had manage to participate as well as contribute my ideas during the brainstorming session and not freeze like an idiot. In a way, it helped me to prepare myself mentally on what's to come next.

I thank you all for the good luck wishes. It helps.

My Blogging Personality

Grabbed this test from Tine just now. At first, I did the test just for the fun of it. Later I decided to post it here as the test results pretty much surprised me - I find most of it quite true.

Though I am not quite sure about the last part. Cos' I haven't yet met anyone who pisses me off. Hence, I don't quite know what would be my exact reaction should this scenario ever chance upon me. Anyhow, I trust myself to be a level-headed person. And strongly believe that, everyone has the right to be heard. Most importantly, everyone's bound to have differences in their views and their own sets of principles am I right? And I respect that. This is also what makes things interesting in the first place. Agree?

Your Blogging Type is Pensive and Philosophical

You blog like no one else is reading... You tend to use your blog to explore ideas - often in long winded prose. Easy going and flexible, you tend to befriend other bloggers easily. But if they disagree with once too much, you'll pull them from your blogroll!

What's Your Blogging Personality?

So errr... what do you think of this test result of mine? Is it exactly your sentiments about moi? I would love to hear your honest thoughts. You may also slap me on the face if you want but please do it with tact. So I wouldn't get back at you. Muahhahahahahahahaha....

*******************************************************

Current State of Mind: Anxious & Nervous.

Very very anxious and jittery due to tonight's forthcoming appointment. It's a meeting cum training sort of thing. As yours truly has volunteered herself to be an Exhibition Guide for one of the Peace Promoting NGOs. The exhibition is in about another month's time. It's set on September.

Might be posting about it here. Not very sure if I should cos' I would then be risking exposure and inviting trouble. Tee hee hee.

Why the anxiousness? Well I don't think I have adequately prepared myself for this meeting which they have also promised a brainstorming session as well. Geezz. I am so going to humiliate myself tonight. Then again, there is no one else to be blamed but myself cos' I didn't spend more time reading the materials given. Every time I look at it (materials), my head started to spin. Gosh! I am so lame.

Wish me luck ok. I need it sorely.

Rockin' Girl Blogger Award

I am so touched by Tine's kind gesture in awarding me with this badge. Thank you Tine, for this lovely badge. I shall wear it with honor and pride.

This is the first time I got awarded with anything, after one whole year of blogging. It sorta like an achievement. Yay. Tine, I wanna let you know I think you rock too ;)




And now, whom do I think befitting of this badge? Here's the list of gal bloggers whom I admired and respected very much:

Gina (Absolutginger)
Che-Cheh
Firehorse (Fatty Poh's Kopi Tiam)
CC (Quaint Melody)

You all deserve this badge and I salute all of you cos' you gals totally rock!

Highschool Flashbacks & High Dramas (Back-to-the-Future Style)

17th July 2007, Tuesday

This particular morning, I was pretty hyped-up by a post written by Tine. It’s about the ups-and-downs she encountered during her high school days. I felt so nostalgic reading this post of hers. I was literally overwhelmed by my own excitement that I had couldn’t refrain from posting two quite long comments to share my own experiences with her. And I felt good doing it too.

I figured it would be cool to post something about my past too… this is something I had noticed wasn’t my usual style here. I guess I did deprive you all from a chance to get to know me better huh. A chance to know the roads this Muse had traveled to become who she is today. So, a little bit of background history wouldn’t kill I guess. LOL.

Here goes the story of this Muse during her heydays *“tut-te-tut-tae-tut” keying in the codes into the Time Machine*


SWIRL…. SWIRL…, SWIRL… (spiraling down the time portal in full speed).


[Kleio in full highschool light blue pinafore with white short-sleeved-shirt and her long-thick waist-length luxurious-black-hair pulled back in a samurai style fashion secured with several (I mean many) pieces of rubber-hair-bands plus a larger than life curry-puff like fringe gel to perfection]

Well, that’s pretty much how I looked like back then. Trying my very best to fit in, at least in terms of appearance. I could never really fit in emotionally though. Not until I met Gina (my best friend even till now) during my 3rd year (Form 3)… but, that was for another story, unless you all don’t mind another long drag. LOL. So, I’ll just have to keep that for another time.


Of Differences and Barriers

Now, why would I say that I couldn’t really fit in? Thing is, I am what my peers considered as a partial Chinese, but that is only in terms of up-bringing and not that I aren’t in anyway physically “pure Chinese”. Alrighty then, maybe I did look slightly off the part of looking truly of Chinese parentage. I could still remember people kept asking me whether I am half Japanese or of mixed parentage. I guess it might be because of my fairness in skin tone, well probably. Anyway, I really don’t get it until todate as to why my looks generated this sort of speculation at all *shakes head*. To me, I look every part a pure Chinese.

Apart from the so called ‘unconventional look,’ it doesn’t really help me fit in with a huge language barrier in line effectively barricading me from the rest of my peers. This was another reason why my peers called me a partial Chinese or what they fondly nicknamed as a ‘Banana’ (a direct translation from Chinese ie. Siang-Jiau-Ren. It metaphorically meant, ‘Yellow on the outside but white in the inside’ – meaning a westernized Chinese who doesn’t know his/her Chinese heritage or main language ie. Mandarin) a quite degrading nickname they gave to those like me. I am pretty sure others out there like me would concur with this.

Actually, this dilemma left me feeling alienated and left-out, hence I turned resentful towards my parent’s decision in enrolling me into a National School instead of a Chinese Medium school which was supposed to be the normal practice by the local Chinese community. I felt ashamed of not knowing Mandarin and of not having deeper knowledge of my Chinese heritage. At that time, it makes me felt unworthy of being called a Chinese at all. To the point of almost wanting to hide behind a fabricated lie that I am not pure Chinese but of mixed parentage (I didn’t do it tho. I now think it is rather silly of me to have that kind of thoughts.)

In a way, all these really affected my self-esteem. Therefore I submitted to my peer’s never-ending jests, teases and was even bombarded with many unflattering nicknames. Kids can really be amazing with their creativity in making up nicknames. My beautiful name (I have an English name apart from my Chinese one) was twist and turned into so many versions of distasteful nicknames, that I was so fed up with, so much so that I had one time decided to adopt a new name for myself at school. Mom gave me an earful when she found out tho.

It was just so easy for them to get away with the teasing because I can’t tell even if they were to made fun of me right in front of my face as they always did it in Mandarin. To me, it was like hearing a foreign language that I have no inkling of whatsoever. I have no choice but to let it be.

Now, I am proud to say that my current comprehension of Mandarin has improved tremendously, all thanks to the idiot-box’s never-ending streams of TV dramas in this particular language. Credits have to be given to my little boy as well, for encouraging me to pick up this language. That’s because I have no other option but to learn it, as my son is currently enrolled into a Chinese medium kindergarten and I found this is the most effective language in communicating with him. Hence begins a series of broken Mandarin at home. LOL. It was fun tho. Helps create light moments to wash away the daily stress and tensions.


Grades & Studiousness

Grades, hmmm… this is a rather tough one to answer. Let me see, I was constantly struggling with couple of subjects. Maths unfortunately is my woe. No matter how much effort I put in… I barely scrap the passing grade. Freaking hate Maths (arithmetic) even till now. It’s really nothing short of a miracle that I managed to somehow secure a credit (passing grade) for it, enough for me to get myself through my highschool final year examination. I guess Lady-luck was with me after all, that I need not repeat another year at school. That would suck Big-time.

History wasn’t my forte too. Don’t get me wrong tho. I do enjoy history it’s just that I don’t fancy studying local history. My interest leans more towards the international atmosphere. Another thing about this subject that irks me are the dates I have to cramp into my Goldfish-Memory (I am plaque by early stage of Alzheimer disease it seems). My short term memory is almost non-existent. You know, I could be standing right in front of my gate holding the keys in my hands and asking where the hell I put my keys! (incidents such as this and similar ones has and kept repeating itself many times throughout my life). I am so SICK of this and part of the reason I am currently pushing myself to pick-up the Japanese language is to stop my brain from wasting away. Hopefully in the near future, I would not have to repeat this phrase again and again, “Oh I am sorry, I forgot” *roll eyes*.

Alright so, basically my grades aren’t too bad. I would say I am neither an underachiever nor an over-achiever (just like how Tine put it). What’s my best subjects then? It has to be English, Science, Bahasa Malaysia (the national language) and Geography. Wasn’t too doing too badly in my Art class too.

Since I am top in class for my English studies, it helps me somewhat get back at those peers who had laughed at me being the so called partial Chinese. It felt good to see them toning down their ego to approach me for help in this subject. Ha! See, who has the last laugh now. Muahahahahahahaa.

A bit about my study style, I would sit at the dining table at home diving into my homework as soon as I get back from school till evening. I would only budge from time to time for nature calls or to get some sustenance from the fridge. I get my rest there too – sleeping while sitting upright with my head resting on the table drooling away. My grandma seems to be very fond of recalling this memory... she kept repeating it to friends and family *embarrassed*.


The Popularity Scale

[Kleio gingerly steps onto the “Popularity Scale” with trepidations. Forehead full of nervous sweat]

Well errr… how should I put it? I was umm… ahh… quite well received by the umm… opposite gender. In fact, there’s this one time where a bunch of so-called, “Tai-kar-cheh” (Cantonese: means, Big-Sisters… as in female gangsters) threaten to do me harm should I not avoid the attention of a particular cute boy of which I didn’t even know in the first place. Cos’ a gal in the said group has got the hots for him (Psst… and that cute boy has got the hots for yours truly). Yea right, I told them to go get a life and when they did get unruly I ran straight off to the teacher’s lounge. It was so funny to see them get cold feet and chicken out. Cluck… cluck… cluck… cluck. LOL. Man, that made my day.

And for the record, that kawaii boy became my first boyfriend. That is, if he could be considered as my "boyfriend" cos’ I wouldn’t even let him hold my hands. LOL. I does defeat the whole idea right. Actually I had a long history with this particular boy afterwards. But, I’ll leave that for another post... only if I feel like telling it. He is after all… my first love and the best looking one throughout my strings of suitors.

I can be quite daring and reckless at times tho I did tone down a bit nowadays. I remember I once threw a bottle (a plastic one of course, I am not a murderer) at a male classmate, because he irritated me. I think he messed with my beautifully sculpted hair. There was also another time where I kicked a ‘bangku’ (chair) towards that same idiot. But it was me that got hurt from that tantrum in the end. Sucks!

Oh, I forgot to mention one itsy bitsy detail *raises eyebrows suggestively*… I was the Assistant Class Monitor at that point of time too *grin*. Surprise! Surprise! For a clearer picture, I am talking about my first year in highschool kay (Form 1). One more thing, I am also a Karate student back then. I guess that pretty well explained why I had the (I nearly said balls here. LOL) guts to readily take on these unruly peeps. I am pretty harmless now tho, with my muscles and guts all gone down the drains eons ago since the day I have decided to perfect the feminine side of me due to my increasing interest in the opposite gender. Though I must blame it all on the raging surge of female hormone during my 2nd onset of puberty *bites lip*.

One more for the record, I was also the secretary for Interact Club during my fourth year of highschool (Form 4). My best buddy, Gina was the President of the club. I had much fun, exposures and also faced with many challenges in this club. I even got into an argument with Gina then. It was our first fight and the last; we never fought afterwards till to date. And we are still best of friend.



From this point onward, I think you could deduce that I am most certainly do not belong to the geeks or nerds packs. I am probably a semi IT-gal. Semi popular only. I believe I get to be at this level just because I am different and this gets me attention out of people’s natural curiosity. So you can actually say that I stick-out-like-a-sore-thumb amongst my peers.

I have to say that life is fair after all, I might be ridiculed and alienated but I fare better than em’ in my studies and social conquest.

Lastly, I would love to tag a few friends. I didn't actually meant for this post to be a meme, but I really think it would be an interesting tag. So there's no obligation okay. You can chose to indulge me or you could ignore this tag by all means. I would not be offended in anyway ok. My main aim is just to get to know more about you.

These are the peeps I would love to know more about:
Gina (Absolut Ginger)
Che-Cheh
Tien Soon (Tien Soon's Tech Blog)
Kenny Mah
Stev Blogs
Firehorse (Fatty Poh's Kopi Tiam)
Kok (Not so complicated)
VHanded
Mikey (Mikey Mike's Subliterate Zone)
Peggy (All the Beautiful Things in the World)
CC (Quaint Melody)
Paris Beaverbanks

1st Anniversary of, "A Hermit's Muse"

Hi there peeps! I am back. And tomorrow is my blog’s 1st Anniversary. Hence, I am now dedicating this post to my beloved blog. So, Happy 1st Anniversary to Hermit's Muse!!!





A Walk Down the Memory Lane
Humbly yours started this blog on 15th July 2006 last year after much self-conflicting deliberation and courage gathering. Actually, I had amazed myself by reaching this 1-year milestone… didn’t thought I could have lasted so long when I first started it.

I could still very much recall my first post entry, lamenting on my lack of writing skill and ze self-bashing for my crazy notion of starting a blog. Yeah, I was that low in my self-esteem at that point of time. I am proud to say that I have changed… more aptly put – EVOLVED. I have grown to be more self-assured and learned to speak my mind plus, am not as shy as before. LOL. I could still pretty much remember the countless times I had bugged my dearest old friend, Gina (she’s the one that had inspired as well as encouraged me to blog) for assurances on my writings *laugh* as well as to how and what to say in one of my fan-email to a fellow blogger I had admired so much (I still am missing him even till now tho). Gina-san, I take this opportunity to express my utmost thanks to you for making this blog a reality. Domo arigatogozaimashita.


Reflections – Lessons thru Blogging
The biggest benefit I had experienced from blogging is that it opens up my perspective, changed the way I perceive others as well as my own self. It seems that by having a blog, I could see my inner self clearer… it’s like giving my inner self a voice of its own and thus, enabling me to re-evaluate things in a way I never did before. By doing this, I came to realized what I actually wanted in life… what I needed to pursue and what I should not waste precious time harping on.

I would say, in a way, blogging is like putting a mirror in front of you… helping you to see those minute but important details we often failed to notice before. Assisting us in sorting out those of importance and those insignificant ones.

To sum it up, the strength and new knowledge I had gain through blogging had lead me to a rapid inner growth and self-discovery. Plus, I have also learned to make peace with myself.

I must say the once shy and unsure hermit has found her voice again. Cheers!


Selective Posts that makes this Muse

Itchy Butt Dilemma
I am bringing this post up because it’s the highest hit post. And most of the hits came from search engines referrals. It boggles me really as to why so many people actually searched for the keyword, “itchy butt”. I get visitors to this particular post almost every day. Now that’s something to muse about. LOL.

Chef for the Day ( In-house Pizza Pancakes )
Now, this particular post marks the first time this hermit (yours truly) shows up in a photo. Not forgetting also that it is also the first time I blogged about food and cooking. Yeah, I can’t really cook. My cooking is edible by human beings but that’s just that, fullstop.

Losing Sense of Self
This post marks the first time I came close to stripping and baring my soul to all due to one of the usual bouts of household bickering.

Top Five Favorite Movies -- I've been tagged!
I kinda like this post as I really enjoyed writing this particular meme and on top of that, it was my first time being tagged. Hence, it was a meme post by a Virgin-Meme-Blogger (VMB).

The Ultimate Confrontation
Now this one is the one I that had impacted my life so much that it shifted my whole perspective and aim in life. It’s the turning point and a cross road of my life. Whenever I felt weak in my resolution at any given time, I would recall what I have written and promised myself in this post. It had never failed to push me on again and face my challenges with courage.


Doing the Maths
Ze main sum of all sums, ze Hermit has matured in terms of writing, thinking and interacting. Just take a look at my first post and make the comparison, you would be able to deduce what I meant by that. LOL. At that time, someone had actually told me I write my post like a screenplay. I have to thank him for making that comment. It helped me to improve a lot. I am not saying I am great at writing now, but at least it is more palatable.



Errr… again, this Muse has inadvertently written another long winded post. But hey, this is after all my dedication to my beloved blog right *wink*.

Lastly, I thank you everyone for being a friend and for being so supportive when I am down and also for all the encouragements and sharing.

Random Muses: All Tied Up

Just a short note to let all my treasured blog friends/visitors know that I foresee a period of low blog hopping or posting for me due to my current work commitment and other personal ventures.

Please don't hate me for not visiting as frequent *glassy doe-eyed innocent look*. Anyhow, I promised to drop by as frequent as I could manage and also to post whenever I could... cos' I really do love you guys.

Thank you for understanding. Anyway, this inactivity or low activity period would only be for a couple of days if not a week or so.

Domo arigatogozaimasu 　ども　ありがとございます　(Thank you)

Updates on my Japanese learning quest:

Have been scurrying around the net of late for some free materials for Japanese learning. And lo behold! Just like I predicted… I am not disappointed with the galore of goodies I managed to dig up. Will try to share it here with all when I have the chance to do so.

So far, this Muse has managed to pick up around 10 or more common Japanese words and learned a few ahem... actually, it is only four hiragana characters i.e. あいえお (a, i, e, o)… that’s about all I know. Tee hee hee

Oh yeah, about FRIENDS ABROAD, I am actually experiencing some problems with the site. It's quite buggy and unstable. Then again, maybe it's just because it's not compatible with Firefox. *shrug* beats me. I am still going to give it a few more tries though.

Friends Abroad – Language Exchange

Was searching through the net for Web Apps when I stumbled upon this one particular site which piqued my interest. It’s a social networking site for language learning called FRIENDS ABROAD.






This is their introduction of the site which I plucked out from here:

Hi, we're FriendsAbroad, an Internet languages company based in the United Kingdom - we're about 30 miles from the centre of London.

Our aim in life is to help you and millions of others to improve your language skills.

FriendsAbroad is the language network. Free to join, FriendsAbroad is an online community of millions of users in over 200 countries speaking over 80 languages. So far, it's been a lot of hard work with only small revenues coming from the advertising on the site.

We have lots of exciting changes in the pipeline, and hope that you'll be happy to pay a small amount per year for the additional language learning tools we're working on.

For now though, do join and have fun conversing with people all over the world about whatever interests you! Everything you see here today is free and will remain free.

Want to know more about us: meet the team.

So, in less than several minutes of going through the registration, I am now an official a member of this social site. Why sign up you ask? Well, at first I was curious… as curious as a cat and very much like a moth attracted to the fire. I know too much of curiosity wasn’t a good thing, and it could potentially harm you if not kill you. Ha, I am being overly dramatic here. Thing is, I felt that more good than harm would come out of this one. But then again, let's just see if this could be true.

Secondly, I do hope very very much to be able to learn Japanese. And it seems learning so interactively via the easy to use methods provided by FRIENDS ABROAD, could well be the answer to my quest of learning the language.

They encouraged us (members) to write a few things introducing ourself to other members around the world. And wrote I did… a very very very long intro nothing short of being obscenely long winded. LOL. In my opinion, it looks more suited as a blog post than a short introduction of self. Therefore, I thought, hey, why not post it here for all to have a good laugh at my silliness and at the same time introduce this fabulous site to all. In a way, you will get to know more about me that I have yet to disclose.


Here’s what I wrote to introduce myself:

I am a Chinese woman from Malaysia. A beautiful tropical country with what I consider as... a place with "extreme weather" i.e. it's either too much of rainfall or too dry and sweltering hot. Would really really love to experience snowfall or milder weather elsewhere.

One of the places I longed to visit is Japan. This particular country would and always will be on top of my travel wish list. Why was that, you ask? Things is, I've got this long time obsession with almost anything and everything Japanese. Especially fascinated with the Japanese language, that is. Hence, this is why I am here at FRIENDS ABROAD - to seek the golden opportunity of pickup the Japanese language. I would really love to be able to watch Japanese Anime without the English Subtitles one fine day. Yes, I am a crazed fan of Anime too. Guess I never did grow up. LOL.


Right, I believe I should give you an inkling of my present grasp of the languages I have listed in my profile;

ENGLISH
Well, I can speak and write 'passable' English. In fact, I think my written English fares much better than my spoken one. I had to admit that I do have some pronunciation problem. Now, I do not claim that my English’s is prefect, as I do know there's so much more room for improvement. Therefore, what I believe is that, by helping others out in this language... I am also brushing up my own skill at the same time. Who knows, I might even have the good fortune of meeting someone with stronger command of the English language and prosper in it in the end. It is a win-win situation here at FRIENDS ABROAD right? By sharing, in return, we gain. How perfect a partnership.

CANTONESE (CHINESE)
The next language I commanded is the Cantonese (it's one of the many Chinese dialects - one of the major ones, anyways). Though, I might be 'pure' Chinese and this is in fact my mother-tongue, I couldn't read/write any of it. To tell you the truth, I even struggle writing my very own Chinese name. Gosh! Uh-huh, I am that bad. The only consolation of mine would be being able to at least speak the language. Phew! So, does this make me any less of a Chinese? I beg to differ.

MALAY (BAHASA MALAYSIA)
Malay is the national language of my country, Malaysia. It's the language my country use for its academic system. I was quite good at it during my schooldays. I could speak like a Malay native and write almost like one too. My grades for this subject is very promising... at that period of time. However, things have changed over the years as I integrated myself into the rat race world (corporate world). Where English is the dominant language used for business. And so, gradually, my proficiency of this particular language fades and stunted in the background. Anyhow, I think I still haven't lost touch of it in totality. I could still understand it well enough and also speak and write 'passable' Malay if the need arises. Though I do get mental-block using it sometimes. It's only an understandable weakness, agreed?


OTHER MUNDANE STUFF ABOUT ME:
I own a blog. It’s a place where I could practice my written English and improve my confidence in it. What better way to learn and improve a language than to practice it for real. Don’t you agree?

Apart from that, I also love reading and commenting on other people’s blog. It’s another good way of learning the language and improving your ease of use.

So, if any of you are interested or curious about my blog, I welcome you to visit my humble blog at www.ahermitmuse.blogspot.com (my primary blog) or at http://kleiolee.vox.com (my mirror site and social networking site). The name of my blog is, A HERMIT’S MUSE. The reason why I adopted this name is because I am practically a hermit in real life. I am always holed up at home… but it’s due to some personal issues and not exactly what I chose to be. Yes, I am quite a loner… but I do enjoy occasional gallivanting if given a choice.

Another thing about me is that, I am a caffeine-addict. The talk of coffee gives me instant mood lift. It’s almost like I couldn’t live without it.


To All My NEW or SOON-TO-BE or FUTURE ONLINE FRIENDS of FRIENDS ABROAD:
I welcome all with open arms. Therefore, don't hesitate or be shy about writing to me.

To those who would be kind and generous enough to teach/coach me on Japanese... I thank you in advance with much gratitude *Bow, bow and bowing even lower*. Domo Arigato Gozaimasu.

Hope to hear from you soon.

If you wanna take a look at how this introduction look on my profile page at FRIENDS ABROAD, click here. Though I am not quite sure if you could actually view it without an account with them.

Lets just see what this impromptu spur-of-the-moment thing brings for me. Hope it hails good returns though. In terms of me being successful in learning a few more Japanese words... good enough to hold a basic conversation, I would be more than happy already.




THIS IS NOT A SPONSORED POST. Tee hee hee. Just to clarify it before anyone thinks I am writing this for moolah... something I don't do at all. But, I am not saying I wouldn't embark on it in the near future should circumstances permit it.

Tian Xia Wu Shuang (天下无双) - (A love) Unparalleled Under the Sky

This is one of the many songs I came to love and cherished very much. It is actually a theme song or original soundtrack of one of my favorite Chinese drama... a wuxia drama, "Return of the Condor Heroes 2006". A considerable large scale production by a film production.

The combination of breathtaking natural sceneries in China coupled with smart play of CGI and also not forgetting a dashing main actor with an equally beautiful and ethereal looking main actress has cause this production to be very well received indeed. In fact, I was preeettty crazy about it. I watched and rewatched it so many times that I had literary lost count of how many times I succumbed to its charm. LOL. And YES, I did ogle at the suave main actor to my heart's content. He has got the most infectious smile I’ll tell you.

Okay that's that, now back to this particular soundtrack. This is the intro soundtrack for this drama. I am so drawn to it by the sad and sweet voice of the singer telling an equally sad story of an undying, faithful and sincere love filled with trial and tribulations.

Here’s the lyrics in Chinese and Pinyin as well as the translations to it:

天下无双 - Tian Xia Wu Shuang - (A love) unparalleled under the sky

sung by Jane Zhang Jing Ying ( 张靓颖 )

穿越红尘的悲欢惆怅
(chuan yue hong chen de bei huan chou chang)
Going through across life's sadness and happiness

和你贴心的流浪
(he ni tie xin de liy lang)
With you as a close companion, (we) wandered around

刺透遍野的青山和荒凉
(ci tou bian ye de qin shan he huang liang)
Piercing through horizons of remote mountains

有你的梦伴着花香飞翔
(he ni de meng ban zhe hua xiang fei xiang)
Dreamt of you flying with fragrant flowers

今生因你痴狂此爱天下无双
(jin sheng yin ni zhi kuang) (ci ai tian xia wu shuang)
Devotion to you in this life, (my) love is unparalleled

剑的影子水的波光
(jin de ying zi , shui de bo guang)
A sword's shadow, water's ripples

只是过往是过往
(zhi shi guo wang shi guo wang)
Just passing by, just passing by

今生因你痴狂此爱天下无双啊 .......
(jin sheng yin ni chi kuang) (ci ai tian xia wu shuang)
Devotion to you in this life, (my) love is unparalleled

如果还有贴心的流浪
(ru guo hai you tie xin de liu lang)
If there is still a companion to wander with

枯萎了容颜难以忘难遗忘 ........
(gu wei le rong yan nan yi wang ... nan yi wang)
A withered facet is hard to forget, hard to forget

Well, I do hope you all enjoy it as much as I do. Please do not hesitate to share your thoughts on it.

Here's some beautiful pictures to appease you visually :P

Note: I actually did this post for my VOX Lyrics Translation Group. Then I thought it would be good to post it here too for the enjoyment of others who love this song also.

Pachelbel's Canon in D Variations

A collection of Pachelbel's Canon in D variations. Hope you would all enjoy it as much as I do. Frankly speaking, some of it blew me away ;) Didn't know Canon could have so much of attitude in it... just listen to the Canon Grooves, Canon Techno, Canon Rock and so many others listed here.



Hope you all enjoyed it as much as I do. I AM a crazed Pachelbel's Canon fan. Hooyah!

Oh yea, do check out this site/blog, Tribute to Pachelbel. There are many different versions of Canon arrangements listed here.




Current Mood: Joyful and Thankful

Current Distractions: Of late, I've been busy hopping around my IMEEM & DEVIANT ART playground.

Other Musings: How many sites does a gal gotta have? I've quite lost count of mine :P No wonder I am so distracted at times. Ahahahaha. Dunno what got into me that I've gotten myself a FRIENDSTER account too. Yeesh!!! Actually someone invited me to be a member, and I kind of follow the lead... one thing leads to the next and lot behold another site to care for :P I am still not sure if I am gonna be maintaining it tho.

My Gratitude to All

I wished to express my gratitude to all of you for your comforting words and encouragements in my previous post. I am so happy and lucky to have been acquainted with you all. I am so touched by the sincerity and concern shown by all. You have made me felt so loved and blessed… no longer alone and scared.

Here I dedicate my heartfelt thanks to:

My Blogspot Friends
Gina, Tine, CC, Kok, Law Tien Soon, Stev, Paris Beaverbanks, Che-cheh and Firehorse

My VOX Friends / Fellow Voxers
Masako F, Shellakers, Mikey,Crashley and Clippedwings


I have learned much from you all and I valued each and every word written to me.


If you are interested to follow the comments… below are the links to both sites:
At my BLOGSPOT blog
At my VOX blog


Updates on my Mending Heart
Things have been going quite well for me and my hubby. He is much more sensitive to my feelings now. Though there are still some stuffs we needed to iron out, but I’ll take it step by step.

All in, I am quite happy with my decision to stay on and have another go at our relationship. Things are indeed looking much better now. I for once, wasn’t feeling as trapped and hopeless anymore. Though there’s still this small part of me who wished to be left alone without him sometimes. I guess I’ll still have to work on rediscovering my love for him again. I can’t just switch off love and then switch it back on again just like that. Love IS just more complicated than it is.

Once again, thank you for your prayers and best wishes. Shall try to update on this whenever I can.

The Ultimate Confrontation

WARNING: This post might be disturbing to some. So advance with care and stop if you can’t stand it. To tell you the truth, I am somewhat sicken by this post. But I felt that I had to do it… to get it out of my system and also as a reminder to self.

How do you view confrontation? Do you shrink from it at all cost? Does the mere mention of it cause you to cringe? Or on the contrary you feel that it’s an absolutely necessary endeavor to bring about change, realization and acceptance?

As most of you already know… I had been in a rather depressing mood of late. Thus, I am hereby confessing on what’s irking me, slowly eating up my patience and threatening my very own sanity.

Has been feeling hopeless, worthless and on the brink of suffocation again… intensively so since the last few months back. Yes. This is not the first time I felt this way. Just that this time around, it has simply magnified out of proportion. Even so, I kept my suffering to myself and tried to drown it with other distractions – which aren’t working that well. Except music has been a constant soothing presence though only a temporary reprieve.


Achilles Heel
I for one am a coward when it comes to confrontations. It’s my main weakness, my Achilles heels as some might put it. Maybe I am just too soft in nature and lack assertiveness. In general, I am such a person who’s incapable of displaying much aggression – even when provoked. Worst of all, I get tongue-tied and at times started stammering during arguments especially when I am feeling really pissed off. Sigh… like the Chinese sayings, “Mo yuk yi” (meaning: there’s just no amount of medicine can cure me). It’s almost like a deadly disease in me that wouldn’t budge no matter what. I think it’s hardwired into my subconscious mind.

Sometimes do I wonder if this trait of mine could be the residual effects of my own parent’s fallout which made me shy away from any form of confrontations? Whenever there’s one staring up at my face I’d just go silent or monosyllabic and sometimes spaced out too. Almost like a stage fright syndrome. My husband always complained that he felt like he’s talking to the wall every time we had a disagreement. I would just ‘froze’ and look at him like a dumb-dumb.


Of Trial and Tribulation
Little that I know that all this dodging could have caused me so much pain and heartaches. I thought I could just continue to ignore my own heart and mind’s calling by suppressing my own desires… willing it away, thinking that everything will eventually fall into its places soon… one fine day perhaps. Thus, patiently I have waited and waited for 10 freaking long years condemning myself to a depressing reclusive lifestyle.

I was the ever obedient wife, a ‘Yes Woman’ to my assertive and possessive husband. I know that it was partly my own doing that cultivated this unnatural and suffocating relationship with my inability to protect and preserve my very own dignity and pride. I just never know how to say, ‘No’ when it comes to him. It wasn’t helping that he is a very domineering and distrustful person to begin with. Hence, often times I cowed in his presence – always thinking twice before saying things, fervently trying to follow his every mood and wants. Then again, please don’t get me wrong, for he is a good husband in many other ways. I am grateful for his attentiveness and respect towards my family members, for his ever protectiveness over me and my son, for the sacrifices he made for us and for putting me and my son’s best interest first.

Throughout these 10 years we had not once fought and not make up quickly after it. In fact, he would not hesitate to initiate the make up on the very same day… this is how much he loved and cherished me. Maybe it’s because of all these good qualities I cherished in him and his leading demeanor compelled me to bow to his every whims and fancy. He is a very persuasive person and I am just the complete opposite of him. The balance is just not there and both of us failed to acknowledge it. Or I had chose ignorance as an excuse for my cowardice.

All in all, I didn’t have the heart to cheat my dearest only son out of a father figure. I love him very very much and he deserves the best I could give him. I am ready to sacrifice my very own soul and happiness just for him. I guess he’s the main reason I had stayed on in this staled marriage of mine. I had to be responsible for him, hence responsible for every action and decision I chose. He is innocent afterall and none ever is his fault. If anyone should be blamed, it’s us parents. For him, I played the part of an ever docile wife though my own heart is drowning internally.


Turn of Events – Letting Loose the Cat
12th May 2007, Saturday night

Finally, the dam broke last Saturday night. We had a row concerning my son. I was at fault this time and I had owned it up. Berated me he had, with much gusto too. However, he had decided to press further and stepped on unstable ground which shook my already fragile state of mind and crumbling resolve to keep mum on my long withheld discontentment, in my pathetic bid to avoid the inevitable outcome of an imminent confrontation. It was then, the already over spilling and unstable dam broke… as I pour out all my anguish and resentments I had garnered and guarded all these years beyond caring the consequences and price I had to pay later. I might as well let it all out. Damn. It felt good though I am feeling apprehensive too.

I struggled with words to make him understand my plight and resentments. That I felt suffocated by his overbearing character, my lack of freedom and independence, lost of dignity and pride and most importantly I mourn the lost of my sense of self. The pain of wearing that everything-is-ok mask each and everyday. I am tired and I am fed-up with all this façade. In a way, I am but only lying to him and even to myself… that everything is just fine and dandy. I admitted to him the fact that I know he’s not to be blamed entirely; it was as much my own fault as well as his, for I had failed to express my own desires and to contest for it due to my own weaknesses. Due to my Achilles heel.

To tell you the truth, I was pretty surprised and yet relieved that he had managed to remain somewhat calm and collected throughout our dialogue. It wasn’t heated but it was intense. He has his share of discontentment outpour and as usual he debated every statement I made easily. I felt like a fool and a silly girl yet again. As I all that I had said was dismissed as being childish and selfish. Gawd, what I am I supposed to say to make him see the picture. He kept misunderstanding my problems. He said he can’t believe I’d do this to him, that I could be this cruel after all the efforts he put in to make me happy. To ensure my happiness comes first before anything else.

With things going nowhere, with both of us being frustrated and hurt. He declared that he is disappointed in me and proposed for a divorce to get it all over with. My heart was overjoyed and yet confused and unsure if this is for the best. On one part, the idea of being able to release myself from this emotional bondage and to breathe free again was very very tantalizing. Yet, on another part, I am not sure of how it would affect my beloved child, of whether this is exactly the ending I sought for and dreamt of. I really couldn’t describe on how my emotion rage that moment. So many things to consider, so many things would change so many uncertainties and so on. I couldn’t just give a straight off answer just like that… this is how serious I am towards this relationship, towards my commitment and responsibility for the family. Yet he pressed on for the ultimate answer of which I couldn’t bring myself to say it.

Anyhow, at least I believe I had somewhat gotten some of my messages through… that I no longer love him as I do, that I despises his very presence, that I hated him and that I am feeling suffocated by all his restrictions. My soul is so wrecked that I felt there’s just two options left for me to end this pain once and for all… a divorce or …… saying goodbye to the world (something I couldn’t even bring myself to say it loud). Yeah, I told him of these ugly images too which had been playing itself endlessly and silently in my head. I know the later option is stupid and selfish, but I just can’t help myself no matter how I had tried to be optimistic. That horrible notion just wouldn’t let me go. I hated it. I hated myself. Hated how helpless and weak I felt. I don’t even know who I really am these days. Just an empty shell drifting aimlessly towards time. Each and every freaking time I tried to stand up and be strong again he’d just push me back down again. It’s like he’s so bend on seeing me broken. Maybe I am just insane for thinking so – for I can’t fully trust my own distressed and disturbed mind now.

I had even surprised myself this time, for I had not cried or really felt like crying this time around unlike previous episodes. Is it a sign that my heart is already dead anyway. So numb and indifferent it is. Given up.

So on we talk from 12am till 3am plus in the morning. Till I had shown my fatigue and unwillingness to carry on on yet another bound of aimless discussions. So quietly we left each other alone to retire though restlessly. I had a hard time falling asleep. So much to think. Yet my mind’s quite blank and incapable of it.


Coming to Terms?
13th May 2007, Sunday

Today’s the special day for all mothers out there. I don’t feel like celebrating. Still confused and shrouded with anxiety and uncertainties. He didn’t acknowledge me in the morning and left me pretty much alone and then left for work himself. I was elated he was gone. At least now I would have the time to ponder about last night. In the end, I left the house with my son in tow for my mom’s house across the street, finding myself unable to stay in the house. Maybe I sorely needed company today. Even though I knew I wouldn’t in a million years seek my family’s solace. It’s my own shit afterall. And it’s already in a mess I don’t really need more people to mess it up more for me. So, I decided to act normal, as normal as I could.

Deep down inside I crave for company. Someone I could pour out my heart with. Someone not judgmental. Someone who’ll not take sides. I had sorely tempted to call my buddy, Gina but didn’t succumb to it in the end. I don’t exactly know why. I just don’t have to heart to trouble her and put my burden on her. I knew she would side me no matter what, but that’s not what I wanted. So I chose to be alone with my family members surrounding me, but very much alone and kept to myself.

In the evening I went along with my family for a Mother’s Day celebration at a nearby restaurant. That’s when my grandma and mother started questioning my husband’s absence. And I told them the truth… I had a row with him last night. Full stop. No further questions entertained. Not inclined to disclose it anyway. I am sorry to have left them hanging and worrying over me, but I don’t need further headache at the moment.

Later at night, my husband approached me again. He actually apologizes to me, but for all the wrong reasons *roll eyes*. He still didn’t get me. Or has he chosen to feign ignorance? He then promptly proposes we retry again. Give it another go. If not for him then for our son. I was apprehensive and too unsure. I dallied and he brought up the possible scenarios of a divorce could cause and he stated clearly to me his intention to do whatever in his power to gain our son’s custody. Then he reasoned that it’s karma that brought us together and nobody could outrun karma. He cited, even if I should leave this family, there’s no promise that all these existing karma would not repeat itself again in my new life. I had to agree with him on this part about no one could avoid karma as it takes its course.

I told him clearly that I was apprehensive if it would work this time around. I really don’t have the will to take another 10 more years of the same agony. Yet, I felt I owe it to my little boy and for my husband’s sheer determination to try again though I had fears in my heart.

Then I relented.

I told him that this time I shall be different; I shall strive hard to fight for what I want and shall steel myself courageously in the face of confrontations (it’s a resolution I made for myself too). I made him understand that this is a crucial change I sorely needed in order to make it work and to avoid history from repeating yet again. I shall strive hard not to keep things bottled up like I used to.

It’s my final fight, my final straw. Hope he will realize it and make the extra efforts to change for the better too.


Starting Anew
14th May 2007, Monday

He came to me in the morning before with went out to work, telling me he realizes his failure in providing for me and our son financially and for not taking us as frequently as he should for family together time. He then proceeded to declare that he would woo me all over again and makes me fall in love with him again and that he did not blame or hate me for falling out of love with him.

When I heard the first statement, I was disappointed though I am happy with the second statement, as he had clearly shown that he had still not understood what I need, what I want. And yet I already told him on the first night of our row - What I wanted is really very simple. I just wanted respect, trust, dignity, my privacy, my pride and to regain my sense of self. Just for him to respect my individuality. That’s all. That’s all I ever asked for from the very beginning of our relationship. And it’s never, NEVER about money.

Am I that hard to please? Am I asking for the impossible? Am I truly asking too much?

Alright, as I had only last night promised myself to voice out my opinion over matters I disagree and not shrink from it in the future… I once again, explained my expectation and needs as openly as I could. Keeping my fingers crossed that it hit home this round, or I shall have to do it repetitively no matter many times. Geezz, am I that difficult to understand?

Do pray hard for me people that things will get better and he would come to his senses and start to understand what it is all about.



About this post:
I am pretty apprehensive about posting this but I knew I had to do it to get it out from my system. Had to write it down as a firm reminder to self.

Sorry about the length of it though. It’s lengthy but I still feel I have yet to be able to get it all down. I did an auto count with MS Words and I have written a total of 3,447 words on this post. This is definitely my longest post. Hope there aren’t too many typos or grammar mistakes in it. It’s bound to have quite a number of it, I know. Please pardon me.

I hope I didn’t scare any of you off with this angst-ridden post of mine or bored you all to death. I also hope that this post did not unintentionally offend anyone. If it did, please accept my apologies.

Current Outlook:
Shall keep my heart and mind open towards the promised changes. Shall work on building up my courage from now onwards. I know that it is going to be another long and hard journey… but I shall make it worth my while this round. Like they say, it’s now or never.

Question to all:
So what’s your view on the importance of confrontation? How would you react if you are met with one?

Inspirational Quotes

Some quotes I found which I am now drawing my strengths from and learning from it. Just to share it here with all.

“The important thing is to take that first step. Bravely overcoming one small fear gives you the courage to take on the next.”

“It takes courage to become happy – courage to remain true to one’s conviction, courage not to be defeated by one’s weaknesses and negativity, courage to take swift action to help those who are suffering.”

“If you summon your courage to challenge something, you’ll never be left with regret. How sad it is to spend your life wishing, “If only I’d had a little more courage.” Whatever the outcome may be, the important thing is to step forward on the path that you believe is right.”

“Ideal love is fostered only between two sincere, mature and independent people. It is the inner struggle to polish these attributes that is the key. …Real love is not two people clinging to each other, it can only be fostered between two strong people secure in their individuality.”

“If you are neglecting things you should be doing, forgetting your purpose in life because of the relationship you’re in, then you’re on the wrong path. A healthy relationship is one in which two people encourage each other to reach their respective goals while sharing each other’s hopes and dreams. A relationship should be a source of inspiration, invigoration and hope.”

“Anyone can hit a wall. The anguish felt then is proof of one’s desire to move forward. But all is for naught if you falter at that moment. Action-that is the key to breaking through an impasse.”

“Why doesn’t constant trampling defeat the dandelion? The key to its strength is its long and sturdy root, which extends deep into the earth. The same principle applies to people. The true victors in life are those who, enduring repeated challenges and setbacks, have sent the roots of their being to such a depth that nothing can shake them.”

“No one can better bask in summer’s balm than those who have endured winter’s bite. Similarly, it is those who have suffered through life’s darkest hours who are able to truly savor the bright dawn of happiness. The person who has transformed the worst of fate into the best of fortune is life’s champion.”

“There is a saying that the earth upon which we fall is the same ground which enables us to push ourselves up again. There’s another which maintains that barley grows better after it has been trampled on. Human relationships are sometimes painful, but there is no such pain from which we cannot recover. It is up to us to decide to live a life free from self-doubt and despair in spite of our failures. Indeed, it is during our most humbling moments that we should show greatest poise and grace. Then the dignity of our lives will truly shine.”

“Genuine happiness is found in courage. Courage is the gateway to happiness.”


Note: The above are quoted by Daisaku Ikeda and it can be found at Ikeda Quotes.